Mother In Black

For many years now I and many people in my life have noticed that I'm a verrrry touchy person. It doesn't take much to make me break down and burst into tears. As much as I try my best to not cry over such small comments it just cant be helped and before I know it the tears and streaming down my cheeks. I thought that this was pretty bad to live with, but then the other day whilst holding by youngest daughter I started to wonder if I possibly have depression and possibly have had it for many years, but just never realised. I came to this conclusion whilst holding my daughter because as I looked into my childs eyes something in my head was saying "she hates me....I know she hates me". On the outside though I don't feel hated by my child and actually thought that its very strange that all of a sudden that though entered my mind as at that actual moment my daughter was looking straight into my eyes with a cheeky grin on her face which made my heart melt.
Maybe it's NOT depression, but it's certainly not normal for a person to feel this way surely.

There are so many moments in my life over the last few years that would normally not phase anyone else, but me instead of just letting someones comments just go in one ear and out the other or ignoring what people say or do. I instead get very upset and either cry or if I'm lucky just have my eyes well up and hope that no one notices. For example my eldest son Joshua was playing in his Nanny and Papa's back yard last week with his cousin who happened to hit Joshua in the head as he became frustrated that Joshua wouldn't play with him. I completely freaked out at seeing my son getting hit and when I scopped him up in my arms to comfort him my eyes started to well up. I don't know if I felt that way out of anger, protection of my son being hit or what it may have been, but as I said what people would normally take lightly I instead seem to over react, break down about it, take it out on someone that it isn't even involving.

When I was a little girl of about age 4 to about 7 maybe I remember being such an out going little person who would talk to anyone from a child in the play ground to an adult on the street that I didn't know, but would strike up a conversation.
Then one day it was like I changed over night. I found myself claming up around people, but especially males for some reason. A lot of people over the years have called me SHY, but to be honest I don't believe I became this way just becaue I'm shy. I think there is something behind it. I mean there must be something behind it as I still to this day cant speak to males without feeling rather uncomfortable and sick to the stomach. Sadly up until a few weeks ago this also included my own father. The guy who once upon a time would take me out to Chelsea and buy me anything I asked for, give me a ride on a machanical horse and take me to the park to play on the swings. I know my Dad would never hurt me and I love him to the end of the earth and he means a lot to me, but from a very early age I became very distant from my Daddy who I once was insperable from...I found it hard to hold a conversation with him and found myelf very nervous to be around him especially if I was left alone with him, BUT that doesn't mean he has ever done anything to me as he NEVER did so please don't read into it like that. I've just had a very hard time being around any male from about the age of 7years old. I believe I know why this is, but as silly as it may sound I have only just recently figured out where I believe my problem started and I'm really hoping that talking to my councillor will help to sort out my issues that obviously started young and have continued right up until now.