Mother In Black

I have had a few people say "We can not read your blog as it looks too dark".
Well as I had not found a Template I liked I had just left it.
Well today Chris surprised me and found one and I LOVE it.

Thank you my sweet Honey Bunny.

Over reecent weeks I have heard and seen so many people having family/friend falling outs just over a simple status update written on facebook. This is sooo ridiculous as everyone is entitled to their own opinion and should be free to write what ever they feel like on their own profile, but instead a lot of people seem to start a fight over status updates.
I myself have fallen victom to someone giving me a hard time over what I have chosen to write as my status even though it was just merely stating what my family and I were doing for the day. I like to write what ever I feel like on my status and refuse to have to hold back on what I have to say as I honestly feel that people should accept you for who you are and listen to what you have to say.

Why can't people just read a status and if they don't like what it says instead of abusing the person who wrote the status just keep it to themselves.

Yesterday Chris and I were in a shopping centre baby change room feeding our 2month old twins Kaiden and Hollie when a young Mummy came rushing with her screaming baby who was clearly hungry for a feed. This baby would have been about 4 or maybe 5 months old so would still require their bottles as well as the water in them to be sterolised, BUT instead the Mum pulled out an empty bottle walked over to the wash basin and filled up the baby bottle with water and then looked at it screwing up her face trying to figure out if it was the right measurement or not before adding what looked like a great deal of formula to such a tiny amount of water. Watching her actions of how she was taking care of her child made me think that she is one of those Mums that gives all us young Mums a bad reputation for being such horrid and bad Mums and Dads

I had my eldest daughter at 16years 7months and have coped many bad comments over the years about how I don't deserve to have had her, what a bad mother I must be due to being so young and even had people ask me why my own parents would allow me to have my daughter. I fully understand that people are entitled to their own opinion and obviously a great deal of people think badly of teen Mums, but not ALL teens that happened to have a baby are bad parents. I'm not saying that I am a perfect Mum, but I honestly don't believe that at any age you are better as a Mum. Everyone has their own mistakes and stuff ups in parenting no matter how young or old they are when they have their babies so why do people think that just because your young your bound to stuff up and not look after the child. Not to blow my own trumpet, but I happen to think I've done a damn good job at raising my daughter and still doing a good job. My age has never affected her in any sense and it would be nice if people could just back off of young Mums because we aren't all bad. A few teen Mummys might be bad, but that doesn't mean it should reflect on all teen Mums.

OMGosh as the years go on it seems like people are getting younger and younger when they experiment with sex and all sex related things. Today I found out that someone I know who is not even a teenager yet has experimented with their teen partner who they have been with for not all that long, but that is not even the point. I know that I lost my virginity at a very young age of 14 years old which now looking back I really don't understand what I was thinking as really that is soooo young, but hey it happened and I cant change that now. Plus I wouldn't have my gorgeous daughter if it weren't for experimenting with my own much older boyfriend at the time. That doesn't mean I would condon my own daughter or son going down the same life path as myself as I feel that as much as I love, adore and cherish my eldest daughter I wish that I had completed high school and made something of myself before bringing a mini me into this world. As I said though I cant AND WOULDN'T change what has happened for all the gold in the world and I love where my life currently is with my 4 wonderful children and partner that treats me like a godess.

This person though shocked me to hear what they had been doing and how much they knew about what to do to the opposite sex. It worries me to think of someone so young and so nieve already experimenting and not honestly realisning how easy it is to contract an STD or even fall pregnant or make someone pregnant. Like I said this persion is not even a teenager yet and has only just entered into high school and seems to know so little about sex, but says they know what they are doing. It worrys me to think what might happen to them.

For many years now I and many people in my life have noticed that I'm a verrrry touchy person. It doesn't take much to make me break down and burst into tears. As much as I try my best to not cry over such small comments it just cant be helped and before I know it the tears and streaming down my cheeks. I thought that this was pretty bad to live with, but then the other day whilst holding by youngest daughter I started to wonder if I possibly have depression and possibly have had it for many years, but just never realised. I came to this conclusion whilst holding my daughter because as I looked into my childs eyes something in my head was saying "she hates me....I know she hates me". On the outside though I don't feel hated by my child and actually thought that its very strange that all of a sudden that though entered my mind as at that actual moment my daughter was looking straight into my eyes with a cheeky grin on her face which made my heart melt.
Maybe it's NOT depression, but it's certainly not normal for a person to feel this way surely.

There are so many moments in my life over the last few years that would normally not phase anyone else, but me instead of just letting someones comments just go in one ear and out the other or ignoring what people say or do. I instead get very upset and either cry or if I'm lucky just have my eyes well up and hope that no one notices. For example my eldest son Joshua was playing in his Nanny and Papa's back yard last week with his cousin who happened to hit Joshua in the head as he became frustrated that Joshua wouldn't play with him. I completely freaked out at seeing my son getting hit and when I scopped him up in my arms to comfort him my eyes started to well up. I don't know if I felt that way out of anger, protection of my son being hit or what it may have been, but as I said what people would normally take lightly I instead seem to over react, break down about it, take it out on someone that it isn't even involving.

When I was a little girl of about age 4 to about 7 maybe I remember being such an out going little person who would talk to anyone from a child in the play ground to an adult on the street that I didn't know, but would strike up a conversation.
Then one day it was like I changed over night. I found myself claming up around people, but especially males for some reason. A lot of people over the years have called me SHY, but to be honest I don't believe I became this way just becaue I'm shy. I think there is something behind it. I mean there must be something behind it as I still to this day cant speak to males without feeling rather uncomfortable and sick to the stomach. Sadly up until a few weeks ago this also included my own father. The guy who once upon a time would take me out to Chelsea and buy me anything I asked for, give me a ride on a machanical horse and take me to the park to play on the swings. I know my Dad would never hurt me and I love him to the end of the earth and he means a lot to me, but from a very early age I became very distant from my Daddy who I once was insperable from...I found it hard to hold a conversation with him and found myelf very nervous to be around him especially if I was left alone with him, BUT that doesn't mean he has ever done anything to me as he NEVER did so please don't read into it like that. I've just had a very hard time being around any male from about the age of 7years old. I believe I know why this is, but as silly as it may sound I have only just recently figured out where I believe my problem started and I'm really hoping that talking to my councillor will help to sort out my issues that obviously started young and have continued right up until now.

In late July 2009 I found out via an ultrasound that I was pregnant with twins. I remember laying on the bed and the guy putting the probe on my stomach, looking at my my belly and then took it straight back off and turned to meet my worried eyes that were filling with tears thinking that he was about to tell me we had lost our baby. He said " DID YOU SEE THAT"...I looked at him puzzled and said " UMMM NO YOU TOOK IT OFF BEFORE I COULD SEE ANYTHING".. He then put the probe back on and told Chris and I to look at the screen closely. We both looked and I still had no idea what the guy wanted us to see as it was all one big black blur to my eyes. Chris looked and then turned to me really fast and shouted "OH MY GOD THERE IS TWO IN THERE". I looked and then suddenly it was as if the big balck blur came clear and I could make out two tiny babies which looked amazing.
I must admite that I felt terrible when we left the ultrasound clinic as Chris was excited and couldn't wipe the smile off his face where as I was scared and kept thinking about how I was going to cope with having 4 kids.

As the pregnancy went on I grew to love carrying not just one baby inside of me, but two babies which was a challenge at times, but so worth every backache, REALLY bad morning sickness and eventual not being able to walk past 30weeks without feeling like I was about to pass out due to the babies resting on my major blood vessel in my back.

Whilst pregnant it was actually surprising how many strangers in shopping centres and on the street would take it upon themselves to inform me that I'm going to have my work cut out for me having twins as well astwo older children. I found this extremely rude considering these people themselves have not mothered or fathered twins or multiples so how can they even begin to know what it would be like for me and Chris to be parents to our twins.
I have a friend who had twins 9months before I had mine and she too was informed right through her pregnancy of how she wouldn't cope and how hard it is to raise multiples and she also tells me that each and every person that happened to tell her such things were parents, but only to singleton babies.

As I have often said to many people through my multiple pregnancy and especially now that I have had our twins. People can't comment or judge unless they themselves have been through raising multiples first hand as it may look hard from some peoples point of view, but I have met many multiple parents since finding out that we oursleves were expecting multiples and I'm yet to hear any of them say that it's hard and that they aren't coping. A lot of multiple parents actually admit that they find it easier to raise their twins or triplets then it was to raise their singleton babies if they happen to already have kids.

I'm not saying everything about raising our twins is hunky dory because it does have it's challengers, but at this stage the only thing that I've found to be a challange is when they both want to be fed at the exact same time and Chris isn't around to help out.