Mother In Black

Chris and I have pretty much organised everything for our wedding in October.
We went ring shopping the other day and found 2 very gorgeous rings. Mine matches my engagment ring and I couldn't be happier with it. I'm not too sure what Chris' looks like as I had left the store by the time he had chosen which one he wanted out of the 6 that he was considering.

Apart from asking Dad if we can use his car for the wedding I'm pretty sure we have everything and the only thing to go wrong so far is my garter showing up yesterday which is supposed to be personalise with "Cindy-Rose & Christopher 10th October 2010" but instead it says "Cindy-Rose & Chirstopher 10th October 2010" so we are going to get it remade.

Today was my very first session wiith Lindy my councillor. Sitting in the waiting room I was pretty nervous as I had no idea what to expect and I wasn't sure of what I was going to tell her or how I was going to tell her. Plus I was a little scared of what she might end up digging up that has been affecting me for so long.
Lindy put me right at ease by asking me questions and giving a heck of a lot of compliments by telling me that I'm a beautiful young lady and a treasure that she would be proud to call me her daughter.
I was asked to tell her all about my 4 amazing kids so I told her every detail from the time they were all concieved right up until today as thats what she wanted to know.
I was also asked to speak about Chris and explain why I want to be in a relationship with him and why I believe he makes me happy. Lindy told me that she can tell just by looking at my eyes light up when I talk of Chris that I am head over heels in love with him and he must be a pretty special guy. I have to agree totally with Lindy on that one.
We spoke about Chris and my upcoming wedding and all about the excitment and nerves leading up to that big day. I'm only a little nervous as I want everything to go smoothly, but my instinct tells me there will be something to thrwo a spanner in the works. Fingers crossed I'm wrong though.
We also spoke about my childhood and how I feel about what happened to me by my uncle when I was very young as I thought that maybe part of my depression stems back to that happening because as I said to Lindy I was once a very outgoing little girl, but then all of a sudden I shut down and put walls up to block people out.
We also spoke about a few other things, but they WONT be mentioned as that is a private matter that I plan on just keeping to myself. Oh except for Chris because I tell him everything.

October 10th of this year is the day Chris and I become husband and wife. I'm excited, nervous, scared and have so many pictures of how I want our day to turn out going through my head.
So far about 20 people have been invited and majority have said yes including old primary school friends of mine who I invited as they mean something to me, but to be honest I didn't think I meant very much to them so was very shocked to see that they were very happy to be invited and be a part of Chris and my big day.
As of today there is 98days until our wedding and we haven't organised a single thing other than our celebrant who is more than happy to marry us.
Chris is working all this weekend and has asked me to make a list of things that we need to do for our wedding and also to research things online when I get a spare minute. Monday will be Chris's day off work so we will be getting stuck into organising our wedding together which I can't wait for.
So far I have looked up dresses to see what sort I might like even though I have already found one I love, but I just wanted to make sure it is the one for me. I've also looked up restaurants in our area and found maybe a few that would be nice as we wont be having an actual reception and instead are having a nice casual sit down meal with all our guests at the restuarant we choose to dine in for the night.
I've looked up music for our day and found a lot of romantic lovey dovey songs that I love so will have to have a CD out of them.

I had better get back to researching as there is still a lot to do and so little time to do it in with 4 kids. Thank you for reading and I will update again soon.

Amelia bought home her school report this afternoon. I'm very happy with what most of it said, but it says she is at a grade one level when it comes to her writting. Silly as it may sound that made me feel really hurt because both Amelia and I are forever working on her writting skills. Amelia loves story writting so she is always writting stories, notes or cards for other people and myself.
We work on her reading which according to her report is fine and where it should be for this time of the year even though we probably work more on her writting than reading, but her writting is something we have worked so hard on since she was really little. I personally feel that Amelia's writting has come a long way this year so why is her teacher saying otherwise.
Thank god Monday is parent teacher interviews because I'm going to be asking why she has said Amelia's writting is bad. It's insulting to see that my little girl has a passion for writting and its very rare to see her without a pen in her hand and she is great at story writting, BUT her teachers says she is at a grade one level....Thats crap and I know it. Watch out Mrs teacher bitch because this Mummy is soooo not happy with you.

The other night whilst cooking dinner with my 2 older children my fringe kept going in my eyes. Usually I would pin it back when it starts to annoy me, but this time I decided to take the scissors to my hair and cut my fringe. I'm so glad that I did because I personally believe this look suits me.

Last Friday (11th June) our twins Kaiden and Hollie were given their first taste of food...Farax, pear and apple. Kaiden loved being fed instantly where as Hollie kept spitting the food straight back out. I thought that maybe she isn't as ready as her twin brother so just kept spooning the food into Kaidens mouth who was welcoming the food with a wide open mouth.
The next day when I was feeding Kaiden again Hollie became very jelous that her brother was getting something that she wasn't so I tried her on a spoon of food which she loved and kept asking for more and more and more.

They are both being fed around 15:30 to 16:00 every day and so far so good with everything. I've made sure that as well as making up a bowl of food for them they each have a water bottle just incase they choke on the food at any stage as well as having sips of water during eating time which they both seem to love as well which I'm very pleased with.

For many years now I had noticed that I was always down in the dumps no matter what people did to help cheer me up. I always turned a blind eye to all the signs of depression that I had hoping that maybe one day it will just stop and go away.
I felt like I could handle being so down up until I gave birth to Kaiden and Hollie (my twins). As soon as I had them I wanted to be happy, but instead I felt overwhelmed, scared and frozen on the spot like I didn't know how to function any more.
Our twins are now 5months old and I had managed to just keep ignoring my depression until I started having a go at Chris on a daily basis for things he hadn't even done or had any control over.
I ended up making a doctors appointment which I took Chris along to. I couldn't even bring myself to tell the doctor that I thought I had depression so I asked Chris to tell him for me. The doctor was great and so nice as well as putting my mind at ease that it didn't make me a failure to admite that I feel down and not motivated to even go out and talk to people most of the time.
I was given a script for ZOLOFT and refered to see a councillor who I see next Tuesday (22nd June). I'm hoping to get a lot of things off my chest and hopefully she can help me to dig deep and realise the full extent of whats been going on to make me come to feeling this way.