Since being a young child I've always avoided cracks in the foot path if I can help it, hated odd numbers and seen them as a bad thing. Recently though I've noticed I've developed a fear of odd numbers. How silly does that sound but yep its true and something I've been trying to work on with Chris as until writing this I hadn't told anyone about my current fear as I myself think its crazy so what will the rest of the world think.
I'm NOT looking forward to 2011 like everyone else seems to be as yep you guessed it. Its an ODD NUMBERED year therefore as far as my mind is concerned nothing could possibly be positive in this coming year.
To be honest with you I'm sitting here feeling like I'm having some sort of panic attack just at the thought of today is the last day of 2010.
8 years ago today I would have been laying in a hospital bed recovering from having a c-section and waiting for the numbness of the epidural to wear off. I had my daughter at 09:50am and only had a small glimps of her before she was rushed to special care as she had fluid on her lungs and was having trouble breathing.
I finally got to get out of bed at 4pm with a lot of help from my big brother who put me in a wheel chair and wheeled me into the nursery to meet my daughter. She was stunning and I instanly fell inlove with her.
As the years have gone by I have watched my tiny 7pound 7ounce baby turn into a beauiful young lady who adores everyone around her and is very interested in everything everyone is doing and wants to be involved. I love, adore and cherish my little girl and I'm so happy that I get the privilege of being her Mum.
HAPPY 8th BIRTHDAY MY LITTLE FAIRY GIRL
About 4months ago I was diagnosed with depression and put on meds as well as seeing a councillor. Instead of getting better though I have been feeling much worse to the point that I now feel I cant go out in public without my Fiance. I know that sounds soooo silly but its like he is my security blanket and I cant face the world without him.
I've also been shutting people out for the last few weeks. Just when I was starting to get a great group of friends which is something I havent really had since primary school. I'm now pushing them away. I'm not meaning to push people away and it isnt something I feel I have control over so its not like I can just stop.
To be honest with you I'm not the sort of person who likes staying home because it makes me feel trapped but the last few weeks I dont want to venture out that much and if I do go anywhere it cant be without my Fiance because I feel too paranoid to go anywhere without him. I wish that I didnt feel like this but I do so I need to work out whats going on and why I feel this way.
Whilst my Fiance was in hospital a few months ago I of course was driving around here there and everywhere as I had daily erands to run. One morning whilst backing out of the drive I noticed that the van was having trouble reversing, but due to it raining I just put it down to the drive being slippery and that was why my tyres couldnt grip the concrete. Little did I know at the time that was the first of many problems that was about to happen with our snail. From that day on the van seem to get worse and worse as time went on.
We decided an upgrade would be in order and so the search began for another car but this time only to accomodate our actual family being just the 6 of us. We looked at sooo many cars on the net as well as going and looking at cars in car yards and always found something that we liked the look of but in the back of our minds we didnt want to find that we rush into buying yet another car that is a BOMB and something we cant rely on so we always walked away and thought about it and discussed with each other what to do.
Yesterday my Fiance was searchin
g for cars on the net and found one that has exactly everything in it that we want so he went straight down to the car yard and looked and then BOUGHT the car. We pick it up TODAY. YAYYYYY
A few months ago now I tracked my eldest daughters father down via facebook who she lost contact with when she was 3 years old.
I thought all was going well and I've been patient as I understand that he works full time and his hours are all over the place so I never nagged or harped on him meeting up with our daughter and instead told him to tell me when he was able to catch up with our child which he said may not be for a while.
My ex has moved on and is now happily married which is great, but I don't know his wife and obviously neither does my daughter yet I'm finding emails in our inbox on facebook from this woman on a weekly basis. These emails aren't exactly nice as the first one was to my daughter accusing her of hurting her Dads feelings when all she did was ask him how long until they can meet up. I thought it was a fair enough question and didn't deserve the responce it got from a woman we dont know.
Yesterday I recieved a very and I mean verrrrrry abusive email from this woman accusing me of bagging my e all over facebook and telling me to grow the hell up. Well excuse me I have never and would never write a status about my ex especially one that would bag him.
It is so hard to communicate with my ex as his wife seems to use his facebook more than what he does himself and it appears that she responds and writes to my daughter more than what her own father does which really ticks me off. I'm fine with my child getting to know her technically step Mum, but I dont appreciat that this woman appears to be trying to start a fight over something that was never said or done. Grrrrr fair enough if my ex allows his wife to use his account to play games, but why not tell her to butt out of him talking to his child especially because the abuse that I coped yesterday has now got me rethinking about staying in contact.
My current partner and love of my life told me before I even tracked my ex down that it would end up being a mistake and that my child would only end up hurt. I was positive that he would be wrong and that it would all work out and then my child would finally have her Dad back in her life and know him for the great guy that he is, but instead its starting to look like my fiance was right, It seems a huge mistake that I now cant take back and feel so guilty for dragging my child into this situation when I should have know better.
There rant over
Chris and I have pretty much organised everything for our wedding in October.
We went ring shopping the other day and found 2 very gorgeous rings. Mine matches my engagment ring and I couldn't be happier with it. I'm not too sure what Chris' looks like as I had left the store by the time he had chosen which one he wanted out of the 6 that he was considering.
Apart from asking Dad if we can use his car for the wedding I'm pretty sure we have everything and the only thing to go wrong so far is my garter showing up yesterday which is supposed to be personalise with "Cindy-Rose & Christopher 10th October 2010" but instead it says "Cindy-Rose & Chirstopher 10th October 2010" so we are going to get it remade.
Today was my very first session wiith Lindy my councillor. Sitting in the waiting room I was pretty nervous as I had no idea what to expect and I wasn't sure of what I was going to tell her or how I was going to tell her. Plus I was a little scared of what she might end up digging up that has been affecting me for so long.
Lindy put me right at ease by asking me questions and giving a heck of a lot of compliments by telling me that I'm a beautiful young lady and a treasure that she would be proud to call me her daughter.
I was asked to tell her all about my 4 amazing kids so I told her every detail from the time they were all concieved right up until today as thats what she wanted to know.
I was also asked to speak about Chris and explain why I want to be in a relationship with him and why I believe he makes me happy. Lindy told me that she can tell just by looking at my eyes light up when I talk of Chris that I am head over heels in love with him and he must be a pretty special guy. I have to agree totally with Lindy on that one.
We spoke about Chris and my upcoming wedding and all about the excitment and nerves leading up to that big day. I'm only a little nervous as I want everything to go smoothly, but my instinct tells me there will be something to thrwo a spanner in the works. Fingers crossed I'm wrong though.
We also spoke about my childhood and how I feel about what happened to me by my uncle when I was very young as I thought that maybe part of my depression stems back to that happening because as I said to Lindy I was once a very outgoing little girl, but then all of a sudden I shut down and put walls up to block people out.
We also spoke about a few other things, but they WONT be mentioned as that is a private matter that I plan on just keeping to myself. Oh except for Chris because I tell him everything.
