About 4months ago I was diagnosed with depression and put on meds as well as seeing a councillor. Instead of getting better though I have been feeling much worse to the point that I now feel I cant go out in public without my Fiance. I know that sounds soooo silly but its like he is my security blanket and I cant face the world without him.
I've also been shutting people out for the last few weeks. Just when I was starting to get a great group of friends which is something I havent really had since primary school. I'm now pushing them away. I'm not meaning to push people away and it isnt something I feel I have control over so its not like I can just stop.
To be honest with you I'm not the sort of person who likes staying home because it makes me feel trapped but the last few weeks I dont want to venture out that much and if I do go anywhere it cant be without my Fiance because I feel too paranoid to go anywhere without him. I wish that I didnt feel like this but I do so I need to work out whats going on and why I feel this way.
Whilst my Fiance was in hospital a few months ago I of course was driving around here there and everywhere as I had daily erands to run. One morning whilst backing out of the drive I noticed that the van was having trouble reversing, but due to it raining I just put it down to the drive being slippery and that was why my tyres couldnt grip the concrete. Little did I know at the time that was the first of many problems that was about to happen with our snail. From that day on the van seem to get worse and worse as time went on.
We decided an upgrade would be in order and so the search began for another car but this time only to accomodate our actual family being just the 6 of us. We looked at sooo many cars on the net as well as going and looking at cars in car yards and always found something that we liked the look of but in the back of our minds we didnt want to find that we rush into buying yet another car that is a BOMB and something we cant rely on so we always walked away and thought about it and discussed with each other what to do.
Yesterday my Fiance was searchin
g for cars on the net and found one that has exactly everything in it that we want so he went straight down to the car yard and looked and then BOUGHT the car. We pick it up TODAY. YAYYYYY
A few months ago now I tracked my eldest daughters father down via facebook who she lost contact with when she was 3 years old.
I thought all was going well and I've been patient as I understand that he works full time and his hours are all over the place so I never nagged or harped on him meeting up with our daughter and instead told him to tell me when he was able to catch up with our child which he said may not be for a while.
My ex has moved on and is now happily married which is great, but I don't know his wife and obviously neither does my daughter yet I'm finding emails in our inbox on facebook from this woman on a weekly basis. These emails aren't exactly nice as the first one was to my daughter accusing her of hurting her Dads feelings when all she did was ask him how long until they can meet up. I thought it was a fair enough question and didn't deserve the responce it got from a woman we dont know.
Yesterday I recieved a very and I mean verrrrrry abusive email from this woman accusing me of bagging my e all over facebook and telling me to grow the hell up. Well excuse me I have never and would never write a status about my ex especially one that would bag him.
It is so hard to communicate with my ex as his wife seems to use his facebook more than what he does himself and it appears that she responds and writes to my daughter more than what her own father does which really ticks me off. I'm fine with my child getting to know her technically step Mum, but I dont appreciat that this woman appears to be trying to start a fight over something that was never said or done. Grrrrr fair enough if my ex allows his wife to use his account to play games, but why not tell her to butt out of him talking to his child especially because the abuse that I coped yesterday has now got me rethinking about staying in contact.
My current partner and love of my life told me before I even tracked my ex down that it would end up being a mistake and that my child would only end up hurt. I was positive that he would be wrong and that it would all work out and then my child would finally have her Dad back in her life and know him for the great guy that he is, but instead its starting to look like my fiance was right, It seems a huge mistake that I now cant take back and feel so guilty for dragging my child into this situation when I should have know better.
There rant over
